Occasionally in life, a relationship
comes along that is like a revolution, an unforgettable
turning point. For some lucky ones, chaos can
settle and deepen into lifelong union. For others,
the heat of passion is scorched into the soul,
and while future relationships promise a more
sensible life, the memory burns with a power
that is perhaps never truly extinguished.
Michael and I were the same
and we were opposites - it was our differences
that held us in thrall. This relationship was
I was as wounded emotionally
as he was sexually, and our coming together
felt like broken shards had finally been glued
back in place so we could drink from the same
It was a year that exploded
through my life, upending every thing. A year
that ran on the rails of love, a big dipper
of out-of-control emotions that I welcomed,
eager to be both terrified and exhilarated by
the lunacy. I understood that to love Michael
was a dangerous and probably foolhardy proposition.
But I had a heart bursting at the seams.
‘I’m not a
person offering any long-term safety or security,’
he would warn, ‘but I am a safe person
to open your heart to.’
That was enough for me,
and I breathed out, laying my whole sorry bundle
before him, feeling wild enough to take a chance
and wildly grateful to be given it. I thought
myself brave in taking the risk to love, but
truth was, love crept up on me like a stalker.
Before I knew it, I was in its lair, a willing,
confused, joyous victim.
And I believed in love’s
power, that if two people loved each other enough,
it would carry them over all obstacles.
I look back at that time, I sometimes question
my judgment. What if, accepting he was not available
for committed union and children, I had called
a halt right then and there, found the solid
man and issued progeny from behind a picket
fence? But even in my darkest time, I don’t
regret meeting Michael and I can’t find
it within myself to regret even a moment of
the time we spent together. Because finally
the tough, funny, brittle shell could be peeled
away. I wanted my heart back, and if it meant
risking everything, then bugger the consequences.
What I didn’t know was that I would one
day have to pay. And, of course, so would he.
Thin Pink Line
- October 2000